So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
