You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
