It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
