Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
