I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
