is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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