Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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