wrigley field is MILF paradise
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
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I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize