Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
