WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
