what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
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I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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