Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Randomize
