I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
