I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
