have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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