you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
