no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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