How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
