do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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