I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
