I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
