You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
