Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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