tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
