i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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