Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
