i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
