he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
