at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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