U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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