I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
