alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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