So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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