I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Dear god my vagina.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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