I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize
