Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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