Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
