They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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