that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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