everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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