I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
