dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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