Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
