cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
