i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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