Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
