I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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