Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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