I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
