Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
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The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
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You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Help. Why am I so naked?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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