My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
