our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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