I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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