I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
