Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
