i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
And then he peed in my hair
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