Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Randomize
